


Dip

by Mintoki



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emetophobia, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Himchan-centric, Self-Esteem Issues, some fatphobia both external and internalized
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 23:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15673140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mintoki/pseuds/Mintoki
Summary: Kim Himchan knows he needs to work harder to be worthy of the title of "visual".





	Dip

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, as shown in the warnings, please be careful if you are triggered by disordered eating of any kind. The whole fic focuses on weight issues/eating disorders so I want everyone to be aware what they are reading.
> 
> Another warning is that while I include real events B.A.P and Himchan experienced in this fic I am in no way trying to imply that my representation is accurate nor factual. I simply used them in conjuncture with my story. I love Himchan and don't want anything I put him through in this fic to be true in any way. The same goes for the characterization of any of the members. I am not trying to say anything about their character with what I write here, though I don't present anyone as an evil jerk I just wanted to make sure that was clear lol I based this fic off a combination of B.A.P video appearances, interviews, and my own personal experiences so I hope it turns out okay
> 
> Anyways this is unbeta'd and I tried my best to catch any mistakes so please don't kill me if there are still some floating around in here somewhere 
> 
> I'd love to hear what you guys think because I live off comments tbh :')

It starts unassumingly.

Himchan and the other five members of B.A.P are all gathered around the table for a meal together. They hardly get a chance to eat like this, all of them taking their time instead of in a rush to sprint out the door. It’s nice.

“Youngjae, could you pass the chicken?” Daehyun asks with his mouth still half-full. Youngjae rolls his eyes, but can’t hide how the corners of his mouth pull up as he grabs for the bowl next to him.

“Just don’t eat it all. I’m going to want some too.” Now it’s Daehyun’s turn to roll his eyes good-naturedly. As expected, the other boys at the table chuckle.

“Hey, I’ve been dieting lately so it’s going to take a lot more than this for me to get fat.” He pats his nonexistent stomach for good measure and then proceeds to fill his mouth with meat. 

Himchan watches the exchange fondly as he slowly eats his own portion of food. This is one of the many things he missed during the hiatus. Seeing all his members laughing and joking together is something he won’t take for granted ever again, that’s for sure. Himchan takes a second to do a quick once-over of the dinner table. 

Yongguk looks as though he hasn’t touched his meal, but that’s par for the course. He really should eat something though. Himchan picks a bite of rice from his bowl and holds it up to the leader’s lips. Yongguk glances his way, but opens his mouth without saying a word.

“You have to eat to keep up your energy. We don’t want you collapsing in your studio after all.” Yongguk gives a small smile at this but otherwise says nothing. He chews even slower than Himchan and only takes a few more small bites. It’s just enough to satisfy the “mother” of the group. 

“Youngjae and Daehyun are on dish duty tonight.” Junhong reminds everyone as he stands up to place his bowls in the sink. The two groan, but otherwise don’t complain. After all, fair is fair and it is their turn. The maknae line scurries away from the table and Yongguk follows suit,  probably heading back to his studio.

Himchan gathers his dishes in a pile for convenience sake before grabbing a broom from the hall closet. The floors have been getting a little too dirty for his liking and he knows nobody else is going to bother cleaning unless he nags. He starts in the living room and gradually makes his way to the dining room. While sweeping around he hears Youngjae and Daehyun being their loud selves. Nothing new there.

“It was pretty funny though, when you had all that food in your mouth you looked just like Himchan-hyung!” At the mention of his name, the second oldest freezes. He thinks back to how Youngjae’s cheeks had been puffed out like a chipmunk when he had accidentally taken too big of a bite.

“Ah you really have no respect do you Daehyun!” It’s meant to sound stern but a small laugh escapes as he says it. “Hey! Watch where you’re splashing that water!”

After that, Daehyun starts yelling and the clanging of a pot on the countertop resonates through the dorm. Himchan sighs and turns around. He’ll just stay out of their way and stick with his sweeping for now. He’s basically finished anyway.

He can’t help but think of Daehyun’s comment though. It was told as a joke between two friends but he doesn’t know if it’s better or worse that he wasn’t supposed to hear it. Sure the members would sometimes tease him about his weight, both on and off air, but it was never an excessive amount. But they were poking fun at him behind his back as well?

Himchan shakes his head. He really shouldn’t be bothered by this. It was just a joke, from Daehyun no less.

And yet...

Himchan slips into his room and positions himself in front of the full length mirror. The hoodie he’s wearing obscures his true body shape and so he sheds it.

His tee shirt is a bit tight and so it gives a pretty good idea of what he looks like. Himchan turns to the left. A small bit of belly hangs over the waistband of his jeans, making him wince a bit. Sucking in makes the stomach disappear, leaving only a flat abdomen in its place.

‘ _I could lose this if I tried._ ’ He lets out his held breath. ‘ _Yeah it definitely has to go.’_

Himchan hasn’t really been “dieting” recently per se. He’s only been eating a bit less at every meal. Like taking two scoops or rice instead of three. If he cuts out some of the unhealthier food from his diet he’s sure he’ll lose the weight in no time.

He leans in closer to the mirror, pinches one of his cheeks, and sighs. He has a lot of work to do.

 

* * *

 

He puts himself to work right away. His meals mainly consist of vegetables, lean meat, and some rice. He’ll admit that it’s... trying. After all, he sees his group mates eating to their hearts’ content, not caring how high the fat and sugar content of what they’re consuming is. Jongup can just go out and get a hamburger whenever he pleases while Himchan is analyzing nutrition information to see if he can even think about eating a certain snack.

He really wants to be thinner though.

Shortly after he’d started up his diet, Himchan had started watching videos of the group before the lawsuit. He’s amazed at how different everyone looks compared to now, especially him. He was much skinnier then. There is one interview in particular where his limbs looked as though they would break at any moment.

He misses it.

Back then his weight was only discussed in the past tense. “Wow you were so much fatter then! How much did you weigh? How much did you lose?”

Now... the members haven’t said anything to him directly, but he’s seen some comments on social media. Old fans wonder what happened and newcomers seem a bit shocked that he holds the title of visual. He doesn’t want the same reaction next comeback. He won’t disappoint.

But it’s so hard.

Daehyun keeps bringing home food and leaving it out. He’s seen Youngjae and the maknae line eating from the stash more than once, and Daehyun’s never seemed upset. It would be so easy to sneak a bite, only break his diet slightly.

One night he gives in. After he’s sure that everyone’s asleep he creeps into the kitchen and opens the pantry. There are two bags full of various snack foods like chips, candy, popcorn, and ramen cups. Just imagining tasting any of them makes Himchan’s mouth water. 

 _‘I’ll just have one.’_ He reaches for a single serving bag of chips and then closes the door. As he sits at the table, he pulls open the bag and begins to eat.

It’s been a while since he’s had potato chips and so when the first chip crunches oh-so satisfyingly in his mouth he can’t help himself. He shovels the rest of the bag in and it’s gone much too soon. 

 _‘They always fill those bags with air, I’m sure another wouldn’t hurt.’_  

That bag, too, is gone in record time. Without much thought Himchan grabs one of Daehyun’s grocery bags and dumps it’s contents onto the table. Seeing the noodles, Himchan immediately pours in water and places it in the microwave. To save time, he throws the popcorn in as well. He’s such it’ll turn out fine and even if it doesn’t he can’t see himself caring. It’s at this point Himchan begins to indulge himself with the candy available to him. Everything is chased down with some juice that he finds in the fridge. The mixing of these multiple flavors doesn’t necessarily leave the best taste in his mouth, but he doesn’t find himself minding.

The microwave beeps and Himchan rushes over to pull his two treats out. He can feel the heat radiating off the food even before he touches it. There is no hesitation though as he pulls the noodle cup and popcorn bag out. He ignores the pain that burns at both his palms in favor of getting to work. He stirs the seasoning into his ramen with one hand and shoves popcorn in his mouth with the other.

He decides to finish off his butter and salt covered treat before moving into the noodles. The thought passes through his mind that he’s eating way too fast and way too much but it’s almost like he can’t control it. Even as the popcorn scratches his throat on the way down he still continues to inhale it.

He’s emptied the bag and is now onto the noodles. He takes a huge amount and shoves it into his mouth, slurping a bit too loudly.

“Himchan-hyung?” Himchan freezes. There in the walkway to the kitchen is a drowsy Daehyun. The elder gulps and the food that was fine a few moments ago hits his stomach like a rock. 

“What are you doing up so late?”

“Well I was sleeping but I heard something go off in the kitchen.” It must have been the microwave. “I was going to go back to sleep but I heard some more clattering so I thought I’d check it out. I think the more important question though, is why are _you_ out and about at this hour.” Himchan is acutely aware of how disgusting he must look, surrounded by wrappers and with broth dribbling down his chin.

“I-uh” He wishes his mouth would work correctly. It was doing just fine scarfing down an ungodly amount of food before Daehyun showed up. “I got hungry and so I came out here for a little midnight snack.” His reply is punctuated by nervous laughter.

_‘Real smooth Himchan.’_

“It looks like more than a snack. How much did you even eat?” He then notices the brown paper bag. “Hyung is this _my_ food?!”

“I didn’t mean to have this much I swear! And I was going to replace whatever I ate...” Daehyun rolls his eyes and had this been any other time Himchan would have yelled at him. But not now. Now he is too ashamed to look anywhere other than the half eaten noodles in front of him.

“Whatever. As long as you pay me back and don’t do this again it’s not my problem. You’ll be the one paying for it when you’re bloated in the morning.” Daehyun leaves the room, presumably to go back to sleep, leaving Himchan all alone.

The man is now aware of the sheer amount he’s consumed and feels it in his stomach. He dumps the rest of the ramen and his food wrappers into the trash. He then cleans off the table and countertops so that no trace of what he’s done remain. No one would ever know how he had gorged himself.

_‘Except for Daehyun.’_

The thought makes him feel sick to his stomach. Next thing he knows he finds himself in the bathroom, kneeling next to the toilet. He heaves a couple times but nothing comes up. Then a thought dawns on him. 

Himchan’s hands are shaking as he brings them up to his lips. With only minimal hesitation, he shoves them into his mouth and as far back as he can get them.

It takes a couple tries but eventually he spits something up. He continues to prod around until he’s violently retching into the porcelain bowl in front of him. What comes up is disgusting; he can hardly believe that it was inside of his stomach, just sitting there.

It leaves a horrible taste in his mouth, but something inside of him feels better. Yes, he had horribly broken his diet but if the food wasn’t in him anymore it didn’t count right? Or at least it wasn’t as bad?

After a thorough brushing of his teeth, Himchan heads back to his room for the night, simultaneously in awe and fearful of the new ‘trick’ he has discovered.

 

* * *

 

The next morning his face is, as Daehyun predicted, puffy and of course the other members take the opportunity to tease. Himchan tries to laugh it off casually, not letting them see how much it actually hurts.

 _‘It’ll be fine. I just have to keep my diet from now on and everything will be fine.’_ He reaches for a banana for breakfast but hesitates when he sees Daehyun in the corner of his eye.

The main vocal’s eyebrows are raised which Himchan takes to say _‘Really? Even after all you ate last night?’_ And so he retracts his hand. He didn’t need breakfast today anyway.

 

* * *

 

He finds himself skipping breakfast most days now which isn’t that odd. Other members skip at least twice a week and Yongguk usually goes without six days, surprising no one. He wonders how he hadn’t seen it before: breakfast isn’t really a necessity. He can make it to lunch with minimal issues on any given day.

He continues to follow his diet on top of it, however it doesn’t seem to be helping. His appearance is still the same and, if anything, he might have gained a bit of weight.

He doesn’t understand why. He’s eating better, eating less, and exercising almost every day at dance practice.

Dance practice. One of the banes of his existence. Just the thought of it makes him want to cringe.

His limbs don’t quite move how he wants and he always takes significantly longer to learn choreography than the other five members. It’s frustrating to say the least. In the end he still finds himself in the back of dancing formations more than he’d like. He’s not sure if the routines are purposefully made to “accommodate him” or if it’s pure accident. Either scenario would be humiliating.

He feels awful because Jongup usually has to work one-on-one with him and, while the boy doesn’t say anything about it, he can tell it’s pretty exasperating. No matter how hard he tries he can’t nail the footwork perfectly. The urge to rip his hair out seems to grow as the amount of his mistakes do. The only way Himchan can vent these frustrations though without breaking down is through rapid fire complaints. It’s obviously annoying to the others, but since no one has said anything and it’s the best he can do for himself, he continues.

“Can’t we just call it a day?” Himchan is collapsed against the practice room mirror and no matter how much he drinks he still feels exhausted.

“Do you think you’ve done enough today?” Yongguk asks. There’s no judgement in his tone, only genuine inquiry.

_‘No. I still can’t keep up with you guys.'_

“Yeah, we’ve been here all day.” Himchan says instead.

“Okay you can go home then. I’m going to stay behind and work on some stuff in the studio.” Yongguk wipes his face with a towel and throws everything else in a bag. He probably won’t be done working until the early hours of the morning. 

“Jongup and I were planning to stay and figure out some choreo stuff too.” Zelo adds. 

“And Youngjae and I are doing a bit of vocal training tonight.” Daehyun makes a grab for said vocalist who swiftly dodges.

“Ah so you’ll really leave your hyung all alone in the dorm?” All the members let out a chuckle. “Well we’ll see who’s laughing when I look handsome from all my beauty sleep.” With that and a smile Himchan heads off.

Himchan can’t help but feel like crap on his walk to the dorm. He should have stayed behind longer and at least done something to help the group. As it is now he feels useless, empty and lonely. And so when he passes the convenience store it’s no wonder that he spends thirty thousand won on junk food.

Thirty thousand won of food ends up in the toilet that night too.

 

* * *

 

Himchan all but gives up his previous diet. It didn’t seem to be doing anything for him, so why should he torture himself? He eats what he wants, when he wants and he gains more weight. He feels disgusted but he’s not quite sure what he can do. Nothing he does works.

TS along with the other members begin to notice the weight gain. Whenever he visits the company building he can’t help but feel everyone looking at him is doing so out of disgust or pity. He wishes there were some way he could stop the too obvious glances.

Yongguk pulls him aside one day and asks if there’s anything going on to cause the sudden gain.

“Ah it’s nothing. I’m not quite sure what’s going on.” Himchan’s mouth twitches slightly and prays desperately that his friend doesn’t see it. He would probably die from embarrassment if this line of questioning were to go any further.

“Hmm well don’t worry. I’m sure a diet could definitely help. You can lose some before the comeback.” Yongguk’s words are meant to be encouraging, he knows that, but they still sting.

“Of course! Don’t wanna disappoint our BABYz.” Himchan and Yongguk exchange big smiles but once the rapper is gone Himchan can’t help but overthink. He can’t possibly lose his weight in such a short amount of time.

He just can’t.

 

* * *

 

He works out whenever he can leading up to the comeback. B.A.P doesn’t have much off time, but whatever they do sees Himchan in the gym. By doing this he’s lost some of his weight, but definitely not enough.

The comeback for ‘Feel So Good’ eventually comes, but all Himchan feels like is a failure.

 

* * *

 

They are on MV Bank promoting their comeback when everything around Himchan seems to come crashing down on him.

It had started innocently enough. Everyone was joking, laughing and overall just having fun. Then a question, one which really shouldn’t have even been an issue at all, ruins everything.

“What do you look for in a girl?” 

Daehyun begins talking and mentions how his skin is dark. Himchan, of course, has to open his big, fat mouth to comment on it.

“But he keeps trying to do his makeup as bright as possible.” Daehyun gets a bit mad at him, but some of the other members laugh and so Himchan feels he’s done his job. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes to the vocalist and expects the segment to move on.

“He wears a waist support belt.” Daehyun blurts out. Himchan can feel his face heat up as soon as the words hit his ears. Daehyun keeps on joking about it though and so he lightly smacks his friend.

“Why do you hit me, you pig?” It’s not entirely unexpected but it definitely hurts. Himchan forces himself to laugh though. After all, he deserves all these jokes for not slimming down enough for the comeback. Besides, it’s making everyone else laugh and he really shouldn’t kill their fun.

He tries to bring everyone back on topic of ‘ideal types’ just to avoid further embarrassment.

“I like...” 

“Do you enjoy wearing a waist support belt?” Himchan’s smile falls off his face.

 _‘Isn’t this a little excessive?’_ He can’t help but thinking. _‘Haha we get it. I’m fat. Is it really that funny?’_ Apparently so, as the rest of the group and a few staff laugh at his expense.

“Do you like a girl who wears a waist support belt?” Youngjae adds. The food that Himchan had eaten before the show starts to feel like a huge rock in his stomach. Guilt and self disgust rise within him and it’s almost instinct at this point what that means he should do.

He asks to leave for the bathroom. Of course, everyone gives him crap for doing so during the middle of an interview but they can’t really say no.

He rushes to the nearest restroom and is glad to see that it isn’t occupied. He’s hoping he can finish what he needs to do before someone else comes in. He steps into the stall and, after locking it, kneels in front of the toilet.

He ate right before the filming of the show and so Himchan hopes the food will still come up. He hits his stomach a few times for good measure before he shoves his fingers into his mouth and down his throat. The gagging is immediate and within a few seconds there is bile making its way up his esophagus. He prays that it doesn’t get on his pink jacket or else he’d have to come up a flimsy lie for the production team and his members. 

Within a few minutes Himchan has spewed up everything he physically can. He doesn’t know why, but just the act of throwing up makes him feel lighter both physically and mentally. It makes him feel better about himself, more in control.

Himchan quickly flushes the toilet, washes his hands, and rinses out his mouth. He’s pretty sure he still smells a bit but he can just ask for a spritz of perfume from a female staff on the way back.

The rest of the show goes pretty terribly if he’s honest. It seems as though there is a huge sign with ‘kick me’ on it that everyone but him can see. He is called out for always whining, indirectly called the ugliest member by Jongup, and his weight and failed dieting is brought up yet again. Himchan isn’t quite sure how he survives the entire ordeal.

When they return back to the dorm Himchan immediately goes to bed, hoping his excuse of being exhausted will work today.

 

* * *

 

Some fans are mad at Daehyun after the episode airs. He’s glad that there are people denouncing the remarks that hurt him, but he can’t bear to read more than a couple comments.

‘I can’t believe he said that! Don’t worry Himchan oppa we love you no matter what your size is <3’

‘This fatphobia from Daehyun is just too much!’

‘They all know that Himchan is sensitive about his weight and yet they still make jokes about it...’

He’s glad that there are people standing up for him but all the comments he’s seen imply that he’s fat. He wishes he could find just one that confidently says he’s not overweight. Such a post must not exist though, and if it does Himchan can’t find it among the thousands of other, discouraging messages.

Still other people say that he deserved Daehyun’s harsh joke since he mentioned the vocalist’s skin. Just like Himchan, Daehyun had his own weak points and no matter what he meant by the comment it was wrong of him to bring it up in front of the cameras. Good intentions really mean nothing.

He can clearly see how his comment hurt people. Daehyun might not have seemed to care that much, but other fans did. Maybe he did deserve to be insulted. After all, he could stand to lose a few pounds and he had taken a jab at Daehyun first.

Yeah, he definitely deserved it.

 

* * *

 

He begins throwing up more often now. At least twice a week he finds himself locked in a bathroom. It’s just he feels so disgusting all the time and purging makes it go away, to some degree.

His face becomes swollen from all of it. He learns that it’s normal for this to happen to people who are often vomiting. (He refuses to even think the words ‘bulimia’ or ‘eating disorder’ because if he puts a name to it then that means he has a problem which is certainly not the case). The other members believe that his puffy face is the result of even more weight gain though and continue to tease him about it.

Daehyun is the worst about it. He’s not trying to hurt Himchan at all; he just thinks that he’s motivating the older male. There is an incident where he gets mad at his hyung for eating a fatty lunch when he is supposed to be on a diet. Daehyun tells Himchan not to talk to him until he loses weight. He apologizes later of course, but by that time Himchan had already emptied the chips and soda into the toilet.

Throughout the summer, Himchan doesn’t make much progress with his body and is beyond mortified when B.A.P travels to Hawaii. When the boys aren’t busy doing the activities set up for them by the staff, they are usually swimming. He can see just how in shape the other five men are as they proudly pose for SNS uploads shirtless, or strip off their shirts without an ounce of hesitation. Himchan’s too embarrassed to do any of that.

He resolves that when they get back home he’s going to reinvent himself completely.

 

* * *

 

He makes minimal progress before the promotions for ‘Skydive’. In fact, the majority of his weight loss is probably due to the stress of acting as leader in Yongguk’s absence. However, it’s enough where people begin to take notice. Staff and members alike send compliments his way and his heart swells. It feels so nice to be recognized positively for once.

Inevitably, the compliments eventually dwindle and Himchan knows that if he wants them back he has to lose even more. He has to get back to how he looked in B.A.P’s rookie years. ‘Skydive’ era comes to a close and now he can devote himself to bettering his appearance.

His New Years’ Resolution is to get skinnier.

 

* * *

 

Every second that he can scrounge up, he spends at the gym. Some days he can only fit in an hour, while others he can find room for four. He’s already begun to notice the effects on him.

He really likes the way he’s starting to look. He’s getting somewhere.

 _‘Ah, but I still don’t look the same as I did back then.’_  

When word of their new single album is anounced he feels prepared. He’s going to meet the challenge head on and look amazing this promotional cycle.

He starts skipping meals. It’s easy to find excuses, especially when everyone else is busy with comeback preparations as well. He’s whittled himself down to consuming about 800 calories a day, and sometimes even that small amount of food finds its way down the drain.

Once again he is showered with compliments for his appearance and it makes Himchan so giddy. After the music video comes out fans start noticing too and all he can think is _‘I’ve done it!’_

Sure, sometimes he’s so exhausted he feels as though he can barely stand and his hair has started to fall out a bit more than usual, but it doesn’t matter. He’s _thin_.

He can’t shake the feeling that he should be worried though.

 

* * *

 

His chest starts hurting during their stage on ‘The Show’. He powers through the rest of the performance as best as he can but it’s all he can do to keep from wincing. He holds his side as he walks backstage and immediately sets himself in the first chair he sees.

Youngjae, always having been the observant one, approaches him right away.

“What’s wrong hyung?”

“My chest, it really hurts...” Himchan doesn’t know if the pressure he’s applying to the area is helping or hurting him, but he can’t bring himself to care. The other members notice the commotion and begin to congregate.

“Like, in your heart? Or...”

“No, it’s not heart pain it’s like it’s my ribs or something.”

“Did you hit it against anything?” Yongguk asks, injecting himself into the discussion.

“No no, nothing. It started during the performance.” Himchan gasps in pain and starts to panic. What’s wrong with him?

“I think we should really get you to a doctor.” Himchan would protest but it just _hurts so much_. Daehyun has already called their manager over and before he knows it Himchan finds himself being eased up and leaning on Junhong for support. He feels so helpless like this but he really can’t complain.

He’s rushed to the nearest hospital and admitted quicker than expected. The doctor asks him a million questions, most of which he doesn’t have an answer to. Eventually the man takes an x-ray of his chest and a hairline fracture on his rib reveals itself.

“How did this happen?” Yongguk asks. “He didn’t hit anything and it happened while we were dancing.”

“Well ah, my best guess is that it’s a stress fracture.” The doctor looks sheepishly at the manager as he carefully selects his next words. “It seems as if Mr. Kim here has not only lost a lot of weight but also been doing a lot of physical activity and so that probably put too much stress on his ribs.” Himchan clenches his fists and stares at his hands.

_‘It’s over. How pathetic; you can’t even lose weight properly. You finally meet your goal and you go and get yourself hurt.’_

“Also uh, Mr. Kim?” Himchan’s raises his head, but can’t bring himself to meet anyone’s eyes. “Are you eating properly? Your manager has filled me in on your drastic weight loss and well, we usually only see that sudden of a change when an eating disorder is involved.”

The words ring in Himchan’s ears. ‘Eating disorder’, a term he has been avoiding. But that really is the truth, isn’t it? He gulps before answering.

“I haven’t been eating the best because I’ve been so busy and stressed with this comeback. But I think everyone can say the same.” A few of his members nod their heads. “I don’t think it can be classified as an eating disorder?” Himchan hopes the combination of his clueless tone and curious head tilt will fool the health professional. He can pretend he’s open to the suggestion of having an eating disorder instead of denying it and looking ten times more guilty.

The doctor gives him a wary look, but ultimately seems convinced.

“Well I think it would be best if you rest yourself. No more dancing until everything’s healed up and you should eat a bit better.” It takes all of Himchan’s willpower not to let out a sigh of relief at the news. “That last one goes for all of you. I don’t want to have to see any of you in here for this either, okay?” The members all smile a bit and thank the man as they file out of the room.

Himchan can’t believe the size of the bullet he just dodged.

 

* * *

 

When they arrive back in the dorms the atmosphere is tense. Himchan just wants to lie down after the long day but it seems everyone else has different plans.

“I think we should have a team dinner! We haven’t done that in a while.” Youngjae suggests. He can tell it’s directed at him, worrying that there truly is something wrong. Rejecting the offer now would just look suspicious.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea Youngjae.” He gives a small smile and ruffles the boy’s hair. “What do you guys want?”

“Don’t worry hyung, we’ll cook tonight! You just rest.” Daehyun rushes into the kitchen and pulls Jongup and Youngjae along with him. Himchan shakes his head with a small laugh. He sets himself on the couch and closes his eyes for a little nap. 

His nap must end up being longer than expected because before he knows it Junhong is poking his cheek and telling him dinner is ready. Himchan swats at his hand as he pulls himself up. His rib doesn’t hurt as much anymore since he got painkillers from the hospital but he still has to be careful.

Dinner isn’t much, as to be expected from the chefs, but he knows that he has to eat everything served him. His members are worried, and rightly so, but he doesn’t really want them to be. As he eats, he even throws in a few well timed sighs of contentment for good measure. Everyone seems convinced for the most part and they all chat happily over the food.

“Thank you so much for the meal guys. I’m a little bit tired so I think I’m going to take a shower and then go to bed, alright?” With almost no hesitation, everyone wishes him goodnight as he slips into the bathroom.

Himchan can’t help but feel guilty for what he’s about to do next, but he sees no alternative. His stomach aches with how much he’s eaten and he just wants it to be gone. He gets into the shower and, knowing that the water will obscure the sound of his retching, forces his dongsaengs’ dinner down the drain.

* * *

 

A few months pass, his fracture heals, and it seems as if the incident is forgotten. Himchan, however, has come to terms with the fact that there’s something wrong with him. The members only ever make sure he’s eating; they never seem to suspect he has been regurgitating almost everything that passes through his lips.

He feels miserable, constant headaches and dizziness. He’s even started to notice blood coming up when he pukes and he wishes he could stop. It’s like there’s some invisible barrier preventing him though.

At this point it’s not even about appearance anymore. His teeth are disgusting, his hair continues the fall out, and there are constantly marks on his knuckles from accidentally biting them. It’s almost like he has an emotional dependency on it; if he stops he’ll fall apart.

So many times he’s considered confiding in his members, but he doesn’t even know where he would start.

‘Sorry I’ve been lying about being fine these past few months! I actually think I have an eating disorder and I’ve been puking up everything I’ve been eating for the past few months! By the way, what’s the schedule for tomorrow?’ He knows the others would hate him. For keeping secrets. For how messed up he is. For everything.

And so he continues to suffer in silence.

 

* * *

 

It’s just another night in the dorm when Himchan’s cover is blown.

The eldest vocalist had just finished dinner with Youngjae and Jongup and, as per usual, he rushed to the bathroom. He must have been getting careless after going through this routine so many times. He forgets to close to door all the way.

He has the sink water running as he gags on his fingers. The noise is so loud in his own ears he doesn’t hear Youngjae calling his name from the hall.

“Himchan hyung? Does the leftover kimchi have to go in the fridge? We can’t quite...” Youngjae trails off as he pushes open the bathroom door. Himchan’s eyes go wide, hearing the younger vocalist before seeing him. He involuntarily gags as he quickly pulls his hand from his mouth. It’s too late though. He knows that.

“What are you doing in here Youngjae?” He asks, still crouched over the bowl and refusing to make eye contact. Youngjae, the one who always has an answer, is at a loss for words. 

Although he’s absolutely mortified, there’s a small feeling of relief present in Himchan. Youngjae knows now. He doesn’t have to worry about how he’s going to break the news to his members or how they are going to find out. This is it. It’s happening.

He’s still terrified though. 

“Himchan-hyung!” Within a second Youngjae envelops him in a hug and it takes another moment for Himchan to realize there is a wet spot forming on his shoulder. Trying not to shake the younger off, Himchan reaches for a tissue to wipe off the bile on his hand. After all, he wouldn’t want to get it on Youngjae too. He flushes the toilet as well. Though Youngjae had probably already seen the bile floating in it, he personally doesn’t want the reminder.

“I’m sorry.” That’s all he can say. Himchan himself is surprised at how tired and lifeless his own voice sounds as he utters his apology. Youngjae sniffles one last time before carefully pulling away and wiping his own tears from his cheek. He lifts himself off the floor, using the counter as a support.

 _‘Oh wow, look at what you did. You made him cry for your pathetic self. You should have been more careful. Look at the_ mess _you caused.’_  

“Let’s get you to bed hyung.” Youngjae pulls Himchan up and turns off the sink.

“Young-“

“We’ll talk about this in the morning, but for now rest.” Himchan’s throat hurts too much to argue and he’d be lying if he said he isn’t exhausted. As soon as his head hits his pillow he falls into a deep sleep.

 

* * *

 

For once, Himchan isn’t woken up from someone else shaking him and saying he needs to be ready in thirty minutes. He opens his eyes naturally and almost has a heart attack when he sees that the clock in his room reads 9:13.

He jolts awake, already grabbing for a pair of jeans on the floor when he remembers last night. He immediately stills. He knows that Youngjae—probably everyone else too since they weren’t all rushing off to practice—is going to want to talk about what had occurred in the bathroom. Personally, he just wants to go back to bed.

He takes as much time as humanly possible changing into a pair of sweatpants and the biggest hoodie he can find. He then trudges to the kitchen, pretending to be sleepy rather than desperately trying to delay the inevitable.

In the dining area he is surprised to only be greeted by one Bang Yongguk, the other four not in sight.

The jury’s still out on which would be more intimidating.

“Good morning.” Himchan gives a big smile. Maybe if he just acts clueless Yongguk will be too awkward to broach the subject. Sure, he’ll still have to face the music at some point but at least he can prepare some responses—some lies, his brain supplies—beforehand.

“Morning Himchan.” Yongguk’s eyes bore into him. “Would you mind sitting down?”

Himchan searches for some excuse not to: he needs to take a shower or he needs to run out to the store, but none of them will hold up. Reluctantly he sets himself in the chair across from the rapper, refusing to meet his gaze. There’s a moment of silence that Yongguk breaks.

“Youngjae told me about last night.” It’s so short and simple and yet it takes all of Himchan’s power not to wince. 

“Okay.”

“Okay? Is that all you have to say right now?”

The truth is, Himchan doesn’t know what he wants to say. All his thoughts are jumbled and he’s having a difficult time sorting through them. Should he try to lie? Tell the truth? There’s no way he’d be able to admit everything involved with his... situation. That begs the question of how much information is going to appease Yongguk while making sure he won’t excessively worry about it.

It’s ironic how even the thought of talking about his problem makes him want to rush to the restroom and do what he does best.

Yongguk must see the uncertainty and fear in his eyes because he gently reaches across the table and places his hand over the visual’s.

“How about I ask some questions and you answer?” Himchan finds himself nodding. That seems fine. Maybe he can make more sense of this if he only has one topic to focus on at a time.

“Did you throw up last night?” Himchan is a bit confused that that’s the first thing he’s asked. He’d heard the story from Youngjae right? There really should be no doubt in the leader’s mind that there was Kim Himchan, in the bathroom, with his fingers down his throat. 

It’s just like the leader though, to always hear both sides of a story. 

“Yes...”

“Did you make yourself throw up last night?” Yongguk’s eyes are looking directly into his own and the younger man can’t help but feel guilty. He averts his gaze to his hand which is still being half-held. He gives a small nod as another “yes” forces it’s way from his lips.

Yongguk rubs his hand and, while it’s meant to be reassuring, it only serves to remind Himchan how weird the situation is. Usually he’s the one making contact, comforting the other when his anxiety gets bad. It was rarely the other way around. It wasn’t _supposed_ to be the other way around. He can’t say some small part of him doesn’t like it though.

“Why did you make yourself throw up last night?”

“Because that’s what I’ve been doing every other night.”

He can feel Yongguk tense slightly at his response, but soon he’s back to running his fingers over Himchan’s unscarred hand.

“How long has this been going on?” It’s one of the questions that Himchan really doesn’t want to address. His brain is screaming at him to lie, to say this a recent development that has only been going on for about a month tops. That way, Yongguk won’t feel as guilty for not knowing before. He also believes that the other members will be able to give themselves a pat on the back. They could think: “We caught it early. We saved him before he was at rock bottom.”

But he’s so tired, tired of everything: lying, sneaking off after every meal, feeling guilty, the list goes on. He just wants everything out in the open.

“How about I guess a timeframe and you say longer or shorter, yeah?” Yongguk breaks the silence. Once again, it’s odd having him do most of the talking between the two of them. Himchan lets out a shaky breath and nods.

“Three months.”

“Longer.” Himchan instinctively answers. _‘Well I guess I’m not lying on this one.’_

“Six months.”

“Longer.” 

“...A year?” There is uncertainty in the leader’s voice.

“Longer.” His voice comes out as a whisper but it’s as if he just dropped a bomb. Yongguk’s hand stills and Himchan raises his eyes to meet his friend’s.

“Longer than a year?”

“I... it’s been...” His mouth will not cooperate with him. “Since 2015?”

“You’ve been throwing up every day since 2015?”

“No!” The outburst even surprises Himchan himself. If he’s already being honest though, he wants the full story out on the table. “I wasn’t doing it all the time. That’s just the first time I ever did it, y’know? And every time I did it I would say to myself ‘This is a one time thing. After this we aren’t doing this anymore.’ But then it just kept happening and… I never meant for it to turn out like this.”

Yongguk seems to be at a loss for words and with the silence that hangs in the air it takes all of Himchan’s self-control not to bolt out of the dorm. In fact, he’d probably already be half way down the street if not for the rapper’s hand clinging so tightly to his own.

“Why didn’t you tell us before?” He’s never heard Yongguk’s voice sound so small. 

“It didn’t seem like a problem. It isn’t...” Himchan stops that sentence there, knowing that the lie he was about to say wouldn’t satisfy even his own ears. “I was only doing it after I ate a lot of food. I was just doing what I had to as an idol.”

“Oh Himchan...” Yongguk’s voice is brimming with sincerity. “You’ve always been a good weight. You’re _perfect_ really.”

Himchan can’t hold back a bitter laugh and _was he being serious right now?_ He pulls his hand away from Yongguk’s and runs it through his hair.

“My body was perfect? Then tell me Yongguk, why did Daehyun and Youngjae say I wore a waist support belt on broadcast and then call me a pig? Why does Jongup always make jokes about my weight? Hell, even you said I was getting ‘too healthy’ and should lose some weight to look good.” Himchan is surprised by how angry he sounds and from the look on his face, Yongguk is as well. The word continue to spill out though.

“Even if that wasn’t the case, even if you guys weren’t saying those things, all the fans were. They still are actually. We’re entertainers and nobody is going to want to spend their money on somebody who’s fat. I...” His voice wobbles and Himchan hates how much smaller he sounds compared to moments prior. “I shouldn’t blame this on everyone else though. I’m so pathetic.” His voice breaks on the last word and suddenly the floodgates are open and Himchan is _sobbing_.

Himchan likes to keep things inside. No one needs to see his tears or if he’s struggling. He’d rather hold the other members and comfort them than out his own flaws on display. Sure, the members had seen a lot throughout the years but Himchan has never made it a point to blatantly open up. He’s such a hypocrite, telling others that it’s unhealthy to bottle up their emotions when he’s probably the worst offender.

His aggressively wipes at his eyes as his mind begins to race. 

_‘God why are you such a baby? Yongguk’s dealt with things that are probably a thousand times worse than you have and he’s never cried like this to you. He has a legitimate mental illness while you’re just a selfish brat. You really think he needs more stress? You should deal with this on your own. Stop bothering him.’_

“Himchan?” Yongguk must have moved from his chair and is now kneeling at the vocalist’s side. His hands gently pull on Himchan’s. “Look at me.” His voice is calm and steady.

Himchan allows his hands to be taken from his face and held by Yongguk. Now he has no choice but to stare right into the leader’s eyes. 

“Take a deep breath with me. In. Out.”

Himchan follows the instructions given to him and within a few minutes the only remnant of the breakdown is an occasional sniffle. Yongguk gets up from the table and begins to prepare a glass of water for the younger. Himchan feels exhausted and he wishes he could crawl back into bed, despite it still being before noon.

Yongguk returns and Himchan silently accepts the cup handed to him. He begins taking small sips in order to calm his nerves.

“Himchan?” Yongguk looks at his friend expectantly. “I’m sorry that the guys and I hurt you, and nothing can excuse that, but we’re here for you now. You know that, right?”

Himchan wipes anxiously at his eyes. Did he know that? He thinks back to all the time he has spent with the members. He recalls their debut stage and how Jongup had been so nervous beforehand he had been shaking. He also remembers how they all subsequently calmed his nerves. Everyone always helped out Junhong, guiding him no matter how “trivial” his problems were. When Youngjae began to doubt himself he remembers how the rest of B.A.P would work extra hard to find things to compliment him on. Daehyun, while seemingly unstoppable, needed support often as well. People, _friends,_ to pull him away from practice and protect him from straining himself.  Finally, when Yongguk was diagnosed with his panic disorder and had to sit out of promotions everyone stepped up and was there to help the leader.

Himchan lets out a breath he wasn’t aware he was even holding and looks right into Yongguk’s eyes.

“I do now.”

And it feels good not to be lying about his feelings for once.


End file.
